Abiding in Love

I posted my testimony here, but if you would like to read more in-depth, you can click this link :]
God bless! <3

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My Testimony

I did not grow up in a Christian home so I never really believed there was a helpful, loving God. I prayed when I needed help, thanked Him if things went well, and blamed Him for my pain. I wore a cross necklace all the time, but had no idea what it meant. At the beginning of 7th grade, 2 major devastations occurred in my family one night and both my parents sunk into major depression, so I went into my room, tore the cross necklace from my neck, and threw it across the room, screaming out in hatred, “there is no such thing as hope…there is no such thing as god…” After that, I hated hearing about anything having to do with God or the Bible. I believed that if I was hurting this bad, there must not be a God, because I thought if there was, my family and I wouldn’t be suffering.
    A month later, I met a boy who, over the course of 2 years, would verbally, physically, and emotionally abuse me, sexually harass me, and threaten to kill me. He led me on, telling me I was good enough pretty enough for him, then a day later tell me I was worthless, ugly, and fat. Even though he conrolled me and made me hate who I was, I hung on to him still so I wouldn’t be all alone. That was when I started cutting. At first I used my nails, making small scratches that quickly faded…but it got worse as I found sharper things. That was also when I became suicidal, thoughts of death that would plague me day after day for the next 5 years. A month after I started cutting, I carved my initials into my arm. I got sent to counseling, put on anti depressants that made things worse, and over the next several years, I’d go through a cycle of being clean for a few months, then going back to cutting, in need of constant release and control.
    By late December in my sophomore year of high school, the boy who caused me so much pain in jr. high was out of my life, but I was still very addicted to self-injury. Then on December 29th, about 2am, I came across a video called “Everything Skit” by Lifehouse and watched it, having no idea it would change my life. I sat up for hours in tears of joy and relief that God had found me. I wrote in a journal “I BELIEVE IN GOD!” over and over again till sunrise. A week later I decided I should start looking for a church so I could learn about what it means to be Christian and learn about Jesus.
My first night at a little church called Grace Community, and what is now my home church, I went with a friend from the swim team, and as I heard the people singing worship, it took all my strength to keep from crying as I stood, listening to all these people sing with their hearts, to the Creator of the universe. God was melting my heart.
The third Sunday I went to youth group, 1 Corinthians 3:16-17 was the focus. “16-Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s spirit lives in you? 17-If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him; for God’s temple is sacred and you are the temple.” I knew the meaning of the message had nothing to do with the way I read it. But the line “you yourselves are God’s temple” just stuck with me. I always hated hearing that my body was a temple and I shouldn’t mess it up with intentional cuts and ugly scars. That verse took on a different meaning for me, and it was the first time God had really spoken to me…it was the moment I realized my cutting was a sin.
    From then on, I decided I wanted to stop cutting because I didn’t want to be controlled by that sin anymore. I stayed clean for 4 months. The day I slipped, I felt defeated. It was one cut, but what started as a simple “accident” turned into a billion excuses. I bought blades from a craft store because I figured since I cut once, I might as well fall back in. That started a decent into the deepest depression I’ve ever been in. Fall in my Junior year of high school, I began drinking and cutting with more force than ever, barely eating or sleeping as well. I felt like God was so far away and, in all honesty, I liked that I felt I had control again, even though I knew I had lost complete control to sin. I had one friend through all of this, except she had her own things she was dealing with that I was powerless to fix, so it only made my addiction worse. It was around this time that my parents started talking about divorce. I didn’t know how to handle it myself. I didn’t want to give it up to God either, because I figured I could handle it on my own. I wanted to be in control. When I drank, I didn’t do it to break the rules or to have a good time or loosen up. I drank to forget.
    In November 2008 I went to the “With Us…” youth convention with my youth group in San Diego. That Friday night, I thought I’d surrendered all my life and sorrows and addictions to God, as I fell on my knees before the Lord, crying out for forgiveness for how I’d been living. But Saturday night, as we were walking back to the hotel after the message, I began to think of everything going on at home and I got a sick feeling…I thought I’d never be able to get out of the situation I was in as something inside me started calling me a failure, telling me I was worthless, that I’d never be free from sin. I broke away from the group and walked over to the edge of the sidewalk, staring out at the busy street. I felt nothing as I put my foot over the curb. I was only a few steps away from ending my life, but it felt as if something (God) ripped me away from the curb and placed me next to someone. I almost tried committing suicide that night, but God had other plans…I still felt numb and afraid.
     Wednesday February 18th , 2009, two days before winter camp with my church, I planned to hang myself. I was failing all my classes, my parents were going to divorce, we found out my brother was autistic, and I was just so tired of losing daily battles with cutting and drinking. The only reason I didn’t go through with it was because my mom called me right as I was about to do it, telling me she was ready to drive me to swim practice. That night, after a major fight with my mom, I drank too much and cut too deep, not caring how far I went. I just wanted a release and I wanted to be dead. I’d become cynical and bitter toward everything. I deliberately told God I didn’t need Him anymore and could do life my way.
    A friend texted me later that night, telling me I’d lost control of my life and that I needed help. I really thought about this for the rest of the week, and before I knew it I was at wintercamp.
    At wintercamp, that next Saturday morning during quiet time, I couldn’t focus on scripture, so I decided to write. I wrote a desperate prayer from my heart, begging God to forgive me for what I’d done and for Him to break me that night. I prayed for Him to take away the demon inside me that made me believe I’d be better off dead. I prayed for God to set me free from my addictions. He answered that night, taking me back into His healing, loving arms. He picked me up and stood with me as I made the decision to overcome my addictions and sins once and for all.
    These days I am completely alchohol free, I haven’t cut for over a year, and I don’t have suicidal thoughts anymore, and I am now joyful, even in my sorrows because I know God has a plan for me and is with me no matter what. It was a bumpy road to recovery, but God held me close, and I clung to Him. I couldn’t have done it with out my amazing sisters in Christ God blessed me with, and I never could have overcome those things if it weren’t for God and His love and grace and power. My parents are divorced now, and it has been really difficult, but I have been clinging to God and praising Him. I have been a Christian for 3 years now, and I will continue to praise Him as I move forward in my walk with Him through out life. The 2 bible verses that frame my life now are 1 John 4:16-19, because God loved me, so I in turn will love others, and I just love loving everyone anyway, and Galatians 5:13, because we were called to freedom, not to live in sin, so I strive to love God and love others because God set me free, so I must glorify Him by sharing His love and sharing how He set me free in my life.